Here We Go!

Well, after shielding request after request to start a blog, I thought I might give it a try. Do my own self-therapy, if you will. I ask that all comments, while very welcome, remain positive. I am only human and will cry like a baby if you are hurtful. ;) So, allow me to introduce myself: I am 36 years old, have 4 amazing children aged 8 and under, live on an acreage in a very small home in a tiny Alberta village, run a gymnastics club that I built myself from scratch, and, perhaps most defining; am a low income widow. It pains me that, of my many hats, this is the most definitive, but in an economic world run by money, we have very little of it, and as a mother, dwelling in an environment defined by love, being a widow means that I loved deeply and am forever marked by the sudden absence of it. My children have filled the void to overflowing and I can say with true honesty that I do not feel a hole in my heart now and am plowing through life with a robust joy that is inevitable when surrounded by the contagious delight that is forever around children. They are magical and I am happiest in the midst of that magic. It is perhaps why, after 2 years of chaos, that I have realized that I have excluded myself from the wonder of my own children. I allowed myself to become so encumbered with things involving other peoples' children that my own were spending the majority of their time on the sidelines. This was completely unfair and dictated a need to change. I took an amazing partner and now I can step back and watch her build a palace from the foundation I started; very exciting! I am taking the summer to regroup and reconnect with my children. Their schooling has suffered severely and we are now in crisis mode to catch it up. We are homeschooling and doing a review to make sure no bases were missed. We went through the entire grade 1 curriculum again and are now part way through the second grade. I aim to be back on target for the fall. We will lose a good chunk of the summer due to class time, but it will be worth it in the end. I will list several of my shortcomings here that I am aiming to tackle over the next while, though a full recounting of my faults would take an entire library of books. Firstly, I am overweight. I know that a number on a scale is not a measure of value, but it most certainly reflects a lack of attention to self. I have managed to chip 10 lbs off this month and hope to keep this trend continuing. Nextly, (is that a word?), I am a hoarder. Third generation, as far as I know, but my mom has done great things in conquering her own struggle in this regard. I am constantly battling this, and am making progress, but I have yet to pinpoint where it originates from. Thirdly, I am a yeller. As my stress increased, so has my temper and I am desperately trying to tackle this one right away. I don't name call or hit when upset, but shouting only teaches avoidance and escalation in conflict resolution. It makes me unapproachable. My children deserve better. I am trying to be aware of this and have asked my monkeys to remind me when I slip up. It is improving. Meantime, my life is full to the brim with goodness; goodness that I hope to draw from to improve myself. I have a solid roof overhead, warmth during our cold Canadian winters, children I can act silly with and whom fill my days and nights with laughter, and a relationship with an amazing and all-powerful God, Jehovah. I cannot guarantee how often I will be posting, nor whether or not I will every have any literary gems to offer, but I invite you to follow, comment, and share your own thoughts on meanderings of life. Delighted to have you here, and thanks for the read!